The Wisdom of Phyllis Diller

 

 

As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

 

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

 

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

 

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

 

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.

This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

 

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

 

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

 

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

 

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

 

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

 

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

 

My photographs don't do me justice -they look just like me.

 

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'

He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

 

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

 

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.